Mom Guilt - Why Is This A Thing?

by Erin Edwards - Social Media Marketing Director

Photo by Jannes Jacobs on Unsplash

Our family has been caught in a tornado of change this last month. A dream piece of land fell into our laps, and we find ourselves moving out of suburbia. This was not a dream that I thought would ever come to fruition. The scary part was preparing a house that we’ve lived in for a decade, homeschooled four children in, and thought maybe we’d never sell. There was a LOT to box up to get the house market ready.

Meanwhile I have a son that was leaving on an adventure of his own, in which we will not see him for two years (except Facetime phone calls on a weekly basis.)

The “lasts” had already begun. I was determined to make all his favorite foods, I had them calendared out weeks in advance. I pictured quality evenings playing his favorite board games, watching movies, breakfast at the ready when he came downstairs.

Within days of deciding that we were selling our house I realized cooking anything more complicated than tacos was out of the question. My husband and I began packing away anything not needed for daily living. The trim needed painting, the siding needed repairing, and the yard which I lovingly considered “grown in” needed major maintenance.

Not only was my son packing for a two-year adventure, but he was also asked to pack up his room for good.

The mom guilt descended on me with a vengeance.

How could I do this to my son on the most pivotal week of his young adult life?

I was a bad mom. Only a bad mom would ask this of her child.

This is not the only time this feeling has visited me, and I am sure I am not alone. The feeling is labeled “mom guilt” because so many of us experience it over a variety of happenstance. Maybe we’re getting away on a much-needed vacation and the kids aren’t coming, and even though it’s important to reconnect and spend time with our partner that niggle of guilt is still there.

Maybe it’s during our homeschool journey, even though we started because we believed it to be the best choice for our child, there are probably times where we question if we were ruining said child. (Yes, this has happened to me from time to time.)

I can logically tell myself to let go of the mom guilt. I can list all the reasons why the decisions I make are good, and will benefit the family, but that doubt seems to find cracks in which to seep through.

In the instance of this land grab, (it’s funny to call it that,) it feels like a selfish venture. While my husband and I feel like our children will benefit from this land in the future,  ultimately it isn’t their dream, it’s ours, and it has been since we were married 25 years ago.

How dare I ruin this special time with my child due to this selfish venture?

None of this crossed my husband’s mind. He had recently taken this son on a weeklong road trip, they surfed, they theme parked, they bonded and talked about the future. My husband felt good about the time they spent together; it was their goodbye trip.

Even if they hadn’t taken that trip, my husband is much better about keeping a positive perspective on our choices as parents. He doesn’t let doubt and fear creep in. I am glad to have him as a partner, as I sometimes need reminders that I am a good mom.

My son was an absolute rock star his last week home. He had training classes all day on Zoom and was exhausted by the end of the day. Did I mention his 19^th birthday came and went during this week of upheaval?

Yes, so throw that piece of wood on the mom-guilt bon-fire.

Luckily, he wanted New York cheesecake for his birthday and Costco makes a great one. I found ways to bring a smile to his face. The only time I saw the stress hit him was the last night at home. He hit a wall in packing, he couldn’t do it anymore. I was needed. I was beyond happy to stop the scrubbing and boxing for that half an hour where I helped him finish packing. I only cried a little.

The day we took him to the airport we had to have him there at 4 am in the morning. That last hug was everything, I will miss the hugs the most. I watched with my husband and daughter as he journeyed through the security lines and we couldn’t see him anymore. I only cried a little more.

We headed home to do the last chores as the house was slotted for pictures at 11:30 am that same day.

It was wild.

The house went on the market the day after he left, and the open house events were Saturday and Sunday.

The good news is I haven’t had time for mom guilt.

I had that one day where I realized everything was happening all at once, and then the storm hit.

I think we’re in the eye right now, somewhere before selling and moving, and trying to make our 2,000 square foot life fit into a 1200 square foot future.

I can’t help but think that mom guilt serves no purpose. Why do we have it? It doesn’t seem to bring forth good fruit.

I am so appreciative of my village of moms that I reach out to during those moments of the heaviest guilt. While I mostly believe my husband when he tells me I’m a good mom, the real reassurance comes from other moms who know what that feeling is.

Have you struggled with mom guilt recently? Are you still dealing with it? Do you believe your friends when they reassure you, you are doing a good job?

Let us know in the comments!

I hope you know by now that I believe in you.

Erin